Valentine's Day and the Huge Fuck Up

No.
I hate this.
I really hate this.
I don't understand this.
Nothing is quite right.
I hate Valentine's day.
No matter how much I plan,
How much I try,
I still
FUCK. IT. UP.
Messed up.
Completely.
Wake up late? Yup.
That's what I did.
Dawdle too much? Yup.
I really did.
I'm just so over it.
Over this day.
Over this year.
Over everything.
If I make it through the next week,
It will be a huge milestone,
But I don't know.
I've been on 4 different medications
In the last year.
I want to be better.
And I want to be off this damn medication.
I want to be normal.
But that's impossible.
Not after this last year.
Fuck this last year.
I'm done.
Just done.
I just can't keep doing it.
I need more help.
But how do I do that,
When everyone thinks I'm better?
How do I ask for more help,
When my parents have dropped
Over $1,000 on me in the last year
To get me help?
It just isn't fair to everyone
That I need everything
And take everything away
From everyone else.
I don't know what to do.
And I don't care.
Or want to care.
Or need to care.